Shouting ‘stay with me’ whilst performing CPR improves chances of success by 80%, finds study

A new study has revealed that shouting ‘stay with me’ whilst performing CPR improves the patient’s chances of survival by some 80%.

Shouting ‘come on, man’ is also thought to be beneficial.

“We took a group of a hundred people and initiated cardiac arrest in them all at the same time,” said Stewart James, Britain’s leading professor of made-up studies.

“Then we had volunteers give them all CPR.

“One half of the volunteers shouted ‘stay with me’ whilst doing so, thus giving a perfect scientific comparison.

“The patients who had ‘stay with me’ shouted at them showed an astonishing 80% improvement in their chances of survival.”

The patients who died of their cardiac arrests were put in the bin, and a second cardiac arrest was induced in the survivors.

Again CPR was performed whilst shouting ‘stay with me’ and also ‘come on, man’ which showed even greater chances of the CPR being successful.

“Yes, I’m not sure by how much though,” said Professor James.

“The batteries on my calculator had run out by then.”

Advising by-standers to ‘stand back and give them some air’ can also improve the patient’s chances of survival despite the fact air is pretty much everywhere and having half a dozen people standing nearby doesn’t mean they’ll hog all the air and leave the patient struggling to breath.