It’s the weekend. Time to open your heart and mind to the infinite possibilities of all existence…or lie on the sofa eating Aldi-brand faux-chipsticks and watching these great films.
Friday
Road House 5* 21.00
Greatest film ever made. Film of this weekend and every weekend. Watch this and everything will seem better.
The Spy Who Loved Me ITV4 21.05
Aging serial murderer murders people and gets off with variety of sexy, sexy ladies. Oh James.
Warcraft Film4 18.40
Magic bastards turn orcs evil so they can duff up humans. Not enough collecting six rabbit skins to be really believable.
Saturday
War for the Planet of the Apes Channel 4 21.00
Spiritual sequel to Any Which Way But Loose sees Clyde rise up and take over the world after years of riding around in a crappy truck with a grumpy cowboy.
Crimson Tide ITV4 23.45
Manly men are manly in a submarine. Features bizarre moment where Tony Soprano argues after Silver Surfer. Quality dog.
Good Will Hunting 5* 22.00
Matt Damon does hard sums while Ben Affleck looks confused.
Robin Williams won an Oscar for best beard.
Sunday
Dangerous Liaisons BBC2 22.00
Cruel Intentions remake, bizarrely set in 17th Century France. Not bad. Needs more Buffy the Vampire Slayer though.
Everest Channel 4 23.00
Biography of double-glazing company in which, bizarrely, everyone dies.
The Abyss Film4 18.15
Underwater aliens get all stroppy and kick off. Bizarrely unconvincing big wave at the end.
Netflix Film of the Weekend
The Game
Sean Penn is Michael Douglas’s brother with terrible consequences.
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