Darth Vader revealed to just be some guy called Ralph Bohner

Star Wars fans were left a little deflated after it was revealed that Darth Vader was actually just some guy called Ralph Bohner.

Fanciful theories had sprung up surrounding the true identity of the man under the black mask, including one that suggested he could even be Luke Skywalker’s father and then, that Princess Leia could be Luke’s sister and that they were twins born from a love affair Darth Vader had when he was a jedi knight.

But he’s just some guy called Ralph Bohner. Which is funny because it’s pronounced ‘boner’ – which is slang for an erection.

“Yeah. I mean, I was definitely like – is that it? It’s just a dick joke,” said Star Wars fan Stewart James.

“The whole thing with who Darth Vader was? It was clearly building to something, some big dramatic moment. You’ve got Luke and Darth Vader battling and Luke’s really on the ropes and then Vader starts going on about Luke’s father and you’re all like – this is it, this is it, we’re going to find out who Darth Vader really is and it’s going to turn everything upside down.

“Then Darth Vader goes ‘Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father’ and Luke goes ‘he told me you killed him’ and then Vader goes ‘Yes. I killed in, because I am Ralph Bohner, and I killed your father.’

“I’ve got to be honest, I was just like – huh, is that it?”

George Lucas’s only comment on the revelation was to say – ‘Bohner’ – and to dissolve into giggles.

Whilst the Ralph Bohner moment didn’t really affect what was a very satisfying story, many people are suggesting it is the most disappointing revelation since, in Psycho, the true killer was revealed not to be the insane Norman Bates, but just some guy called Barry Titz.

Jason Bourne to return so Paul Greengrass can use ‘Bourne free’ pun

A new Jason Bourne film has been announced to allow Paul Greengrass to use his ‘Bourne free’ pun that always cracks everyone up.

“Yeah, Bourne free, how have I never used that before,” wondered the acclaimed director best known for being Matt Damon’s second-best friend.

“I mean, I’ve been saying that at dinner parties for years and everyone eats it up. I mean, it’s Bourne, because he’s Jason Bourne, and Bourne free, like Born Free – the classic film and song. Hilarious.”

“I can’t believe I went with Bourne Legacy and Bourne Ultimatum. As for just calling the last one Jason Bourne? When I had Bourne Free in my back pocket? What the hell was I thinking?”

The Captain Phillips director confirmed that, as yet, there was no storyline in place.

“No, no, I’ve basically got a good pun. But never underestimate the power of a good pun. Ask the Beatles.

“I guess it’s going to have to be something about Jason Bourne breaking free from something, a terrifying government mind-control conspiracy perhaps, or a gym membership, or perhaps a terrifying government mind-control conspiracy masquerading as a gym membership.”

If successful, Bourne Free will almost certainly be followed up with Bourne in the USA or Bourne Lucky.

Ooo, or what about Bourne to be Wild?