It’s Friday again! Time to pretend to have a cold so you don’t have to go round your brother-in-law’s house and listen to him witter on about the new conservatory he’s put in.
It’s not a new wing on Downton Abbey, mate. Get over yourself.
Here’s our guide to all the films you can watch instead.
Friday
Vertigo Film4 16.20
James Stewart moons about San Francisco being scared of heights. Greatest film ever, according to Sight and Sound who have clearly never seen Road House.
Cooking Up Christmas Channel 5 15.15
I read this as ‘Coking up Christmas.’ Would watch.
Edward Scissorhands GREAT! Movies 18.50
Feel free to make your own jokes about wiping his bottom or picking his nose, I’m above all that sort of thing.
Saturday
Portrait of a Lady on Fire BBC4 21.00
Lady catches fire. Other lady paints her. Much snogging ensues.
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring Sky Showcase 20.10
Lazy wizard can’t be arsed to take ring to volcano so makes hobbits do it instead. They take ages.
The Full Monty 5Star 21.00
Plums-out feelgood classic.
Sunday
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Channel 5 18.45
Boggly-eyed sociopath tricks loads of kids into visiting his lair then tortures them.
Where Eagles Dare ITV4 18.50
Disappointing lack of birds of prey in classic war film that sees confused Clint Eastwood battle to his way into Nazi fortress and then back out again for no clear reason.
Enemy of the State 5* 21.00
Will Smith buys lady’s underwear with disastrous consequences.
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