Harry Styles Installs Personal Hadron Collider. Proves Existence of Dark Matter

Harry Styles has once again proved that he is a modern polymath. Not content with conquering the music and film worlds, he’s now shaken up the world of science by proving the existence of dark matter

“After Don’t Worry Darling came out a few years ago I felt like I needed a new challenge,” explained the former One Direction star.

“So, I called up my friends at Cern and asked them if I could help finally prove if dark matter existed or not. Well, of course, they said yes because they were big fans of my album Harry’s House and they knew that I’d really moved passed the sort of stuff I was doing back with One Direction.”

Cern lent Harry one of their smaller, personal Hadron Colliders. Harry spent some time on Wikipedia learning how it worked and was soon up and running.

“It just became part of my morning routine, you know? Get up, brush teeth, drink macrobiotic shake, put on ridiculous feathered outfit, crash particles together in Hadron Collider, watch Homes Under the Hammer…”

It wasn’t long before Harry had conclusively proved the existence of dark matter.

“It was last month. I just popped out for an organic roll-up and when I came back there was this little pile of dark matter at the bottom of the collider. I’d had a bit of inspiration earlier and turned the collider up by one and, sure enough, it worked!

“Weird stuff; dark matter. Doesn’t conform to the laws of physics so it does your head in a bit. Guys at Cern seem pleased though. I kept a bit for myself so I can sew it into my next bloody silly outfit and gave the rest to them.”

Following his scientific triumph, Harry is now considering his next challenge.

“I’m not sure. I did think about discovering South America, but I understand someone’s already done that. So, I suppose I’ll either follow up Harry’s House or successfully land a probe on one of the moons of Jupiter.”