TV Film Guide

Week Beginning 12th December

Well, ho ho ho, you mongrels. It’s the weekend! Right, I know there’s technically another week to go until Christmas but you can knock off today. Just tell them I said it was okay. Now you can spend the next week sparko on the sofa watching festive nonsense.

Footsteps in the Fog Friday Film4 16.40

You want film noir in Edwardian London? Damn right you do. Murders, poisonings, double-crossings, tough-talking dames, all in a nice stately home. Flick Teams on to ‘Do not disturb’ and have a go on this. 

Night at the Museum Saturday BBC1 14.45

Terrifying tale of the perils of going to a museum. Don’t do it kids! That way only madness lies.

The Karate Kid Saturday Sky Showcase 17.50

Daniel Larusso wants to be Rocky but doesn’t know how to do boxing so teams up with janitor to learn how to do karate instead. He washes cars for ages to triumphant music then falls off a boat and, consequently, becomes brilliant at karate. Features lots of people who will grow up to star in a Netflix series about people doing karate. Coincidence? Or conspiracy? We will never know.

Tomb Raider Saturday ITV2 20.00

Lady who isn’t Angelina Jolie goes to raid some tombs whilst having a posh accent. The world’s most forgettable film. I seem to remember there was a good chase through a market or something and it was almost certainly ‘gritty’ and ‘a much darker take on Lara Croft.’ 

The Day After Tomorrow Saturday film4 18.40

America gets attacked by weather and so Dennis Quaid decides to go for a nice walk across the country to meet up with Donnie Darko. It’s unclear as to why. Probably to have a nice snowball fight or something. Before going for a walk he has a bit of a shout at the vice-president because weather is bigger than politics, damnit and makes friends with a team of unconvincing British scientist who refer to Manchester United as ‘the lads’ and exhaust them to ‘kick it.’ Ultimately America defeats the weather and Dennis and Donnie live happily ever after.

Local Hero Sunday Film4 13.30

Proto-Donald Trump tries to buy piece of Scotland from Porridge’s Mr Mackay and is foiled by mermaid.

Miracle on 34^th Street Sunday Channel 4 16.45

Sequel to Jurassic Park sees a broke Doctor Hammond try and eke out a living by conning rich families into believing he’s Santa Claus and stealing an engagement ring.

The Expendables Sunday ITV4 21.00

Action adventure starring everyone in Hollywood. Stuff blows up. People punch other people. Everyone goes home for a nice sit down.

Robin Hood Wednesday BBC2 23.00

Big Russell Crowe plays the legendary outlaw from Ireland, no; Yorkshire, no wait; now it’s Wales, no, not Wales; Italy. Other than Russell’s pioneering accent work of trying to sound like he comes from everywhere in Europe, this is one of those films where they take something brilliant and fun (Robin Hood! Merrie Men! Archery contests!) And turn it into a grey grumpy slog.

“Look into my eyes, and you will see, what you mean to me…”

Now, THAT, my friends, is a great TV Film Guide. Come back next week to be further informed.